Sunday, May 02, 2004

i just spent 10mts on the excersise gadget and my legs are about to break off.

everyone is saying i grew even fatter, and it's true.

what's worse is that i was never thin in the first place.

so it means i have doubled my weight and crossing the line to obesity.

why does society have to be so damn stereotyped? and why did that stereotype get into my brain?

because i wake up in the morning and see my fat self everyday.

i see all those cute half-half girls and boys enjoying life to the absolute fullest. no matter how stupid, dumb and disillisioned they are, they are still happy. and lately, i have finally realized that being happy is the only way to go.

how can you be happy when your butt ugly? when you're oozing with fat and nobody every pays a compliment on you? you never hear "oh she's so smart", or "oh, she's so pretty". no matter how good my self-confidence is, i still need my boost. i still need the compliments. and with the exams and interviews i'm about to take, i feel like seeing my reflection on the mirror is the last thing i would want to be doing.

because in this superficial world, the pretty ones get the cake, and the rest gets the crumbs. no matter how much we convince ourselves that it doesn't work that way...it does.

they get whatever they want...they get the respect, the attention and the love and all the stupid sappy glories this superficial world has to offer.

people listen to them even if they don't have much to say. do people listen to me? so i even get, even just the simplest little things i want in my life? do i ever get a pat on the back or a "thank you" just for being?

nobody would take them for granted just because they're pretty, or thin, or smart, or rich.

she could buy all the time in the world, buy all the emotional joys with just one smile, command the world by just fluttering her eyes.

but the world is superficial. the world is screwed. and the world was never meant for me.

somehow stuck in the middle...struggling to de different.

which basically puts you in the bottom of the list no matter what you do.

i just want to be happy. why can't people understand that i don't even demand much just for it? i am happy just by mere presence and a little smile.

i am insecure, ok? i admit that. i feel very insecure because i do not fit the mold of the perfect girl, daughter, girlfriend, member of society... i do not even fit the mold of "normal", let alone perfect. i am isecure because of everything. i am scared i will never find happiness (whatever it is) that trully lasts. i am scared that i will lose everyone i worked hard for just because i do not fit the mold. i do not want to grow old alone and misunderstood because that is just sad. i'd rather die.

i don't want to become overweight, ugly and stupid.

somebody, please come see me and tell i'm not, because i might start believing that i am.



[[sanya whored herself to the world at 11:54 PM]]