Wednesday, May 19, 2004

paranoid out of my mind, after geting the rejection in College of Public Administration.

and the old lady at the admissions just had to be so smug in telling me i didn't make it.

"anong pangalan mo, miss?"

i have her my name.

she didn't even look at the sheet!

"wala ka dito, kasi 5 lang kinuha namin eh"

"ay mam, i'm from other UP units po, hindi po ako transferee from another school"

"oo nga, wala ka nga dito, 5 lang kasi kunuha namin, isa sa LB, isa sa UPM, isa sa UPP at UPB, yung isa FEU"

"sino po yung LB?"

"basta, nirarank kasi namin yung pinakamataas, yung LB yung highest ang GWA"

"ah ganon po ba?"

"oo, yung mga matataas lang na GWA kunukuha namin, 5 lang din tinatanggap namin from outside, yung 50, mga shiftees"

eh kung pakain ko kaya sakanya yung lecheng 1.77 GWA ko?? matataas lang ang GWA na kinukuha nila? eh nanay ko ng naiinggit sa GWA ko eh! mayabang na kung mayabang pero sa sobrang walang kwentang tao na ako, plus yung fact na all on my own ko talagang kinuha yang GWA na yan... pucha ang taas na niyan! feeling niya mababa GWA ko? ulol. kinapos lang ng point echeng echeng college scholar na ko. dalawa uno ko. and taas ko sa pol sci at sa socsci2.

bitter na kung bitter, pero mali talaga ang approach niya.

that was the FIRST ONE that released for transferee, and ganun na agad narinig ko. after that, i wanted to cry because i totally lost faith in myself. i'm going to rot in LB.

then i went to see if CL had the results already.

none, next week pa daw.

june 7 ang pasukan ng UPD.

teachers leave ang mga tao sa socio dept. friday pa exam ng film and av, may 25 pa ang results ng AIT. anong gusto nila from me? sobrang ayaw ba talaga akong pagbigyang makapasok sa UP Diliman?

sa UPLB na lang ba talaga ang gusto ny diyos saakin??

don't i deserve the better campus for my course??

i am panicking, i am close to tears, i want to talk to neen pero ayokong thru sa telepono lang. i want to talk to someone badly about this, but i can't.

nobody gets it, nobody gets it.

or at least nobody tries to get it.

nobody knows that i need to be comforted on a daily basis. that i need someone to tell me everything will be ok because i usually take it all on myself. people ask why i have little faith in myself when i have a lot to be proud about. bull, i have little faith in myself because there is nothing to be faithful on. my sarcasm? my whinyness? my constant craving for attention? my good-for-nothing mouth that has gotten me into more trouble than 10 toddlers combined?

no one ever bothers to fucking reach out to me, nobody cares about what i fucking feel. everyone just wants to laugh at my slip ups and imperfections just so they could emphasize that sanya isn't so perfect after all.

fuck them all.

i don't take it out on anyone but myself. i deal with everything alone. i am my own friend when it comes to the gritty problems i have with myself.

is it because its easy to ignore me when i'm not useful? is it because i'm just to shallow to be taken seriously?

that's why i love my best friend.

she's the only one who understands me, she's the only one worthy of my problems, she's the only one i owe crying about my life to.

because she's the only one who trully cares, she won't laugh no matter how shallow. she loves me and and she sure as hell shows it because she's always there.

"she expects us to know everything, that's why she doesn't tell us anything". bullshit. i don't owe you squat. i don't tell you anything because you don't deserve to know everything.

and to those who i bother telling, only my best friend is the one who trully understands.

that's why i love her. and if anyone tries to piss her off, i'm going to skin them alive.


[[sanya whored herself to the world at 11:46 PM]]